it's okay, right?

Jumat, 25 Juni 2021

Hai, Blour. Hari ini ada event Bidoof di Pokemon GO.

Ehm, anyway, I have something on my mind tentang kepribadian, tipe kepribadian lebih tepatnya. Itu loh MBTI MBTI. Shout out kepada Manda, temen aing yang pagi tadi tweetnya muncul di linimasa. Hal itu membuatku teringat, someone told me that ENFP people tend to push people away. It's in their nature, kata dia. Alih-alih mendengarkan khotbah Jumat, aku malah memikirkan, kenapa, ya? ndak og, aku tetep dengerin. tentang tawakkal. As you may already guess, yes, I am an ENFP and what he said to me, I think that is true. Masalahnya, seingatku aku tidak punya tendensi sebesar itu untuk pushing people away. apa sih padanan push people away? mendorong orang? that's weird. menyingkirkan orang? terlalu kasar? Oke, kembali ke laptop. Kalau aku ingat-ingat, aku mulai ada sikap ini sewaktu...kuliah? I have this dear friend of mine, tapi rasa-rasanya dia kok jadi terlalu terikat denganku. Kemana-mana bersama, bahkan misal aku pergi dengan yang lain dia merasa, umm, cemburu? I don't know. Makanya aku jadi merasa agak kurang nyaman begitu ya, Blour. Akhirnya aku bilang ke diri sendiri mungkin ke dia juga atau orang lain bahwa sebenarnya aku paham kode-kode yang dilontarkan ybs, tapi aku tidak menuruti itu, secara sadar. Menjadi seolah-olah tidak peka. Not being a good friend, in a way.....dan sepertinya keterusan 😅 No, I don't blame anyone. Pikiranku siang ini malah membuatku berpikir, kira-kira kenapa begini? And I think I have found the source. Karena, aku susah untuk menolak sesuatu, untuk berkata 'tidak'. I would say that I am a people person as well as a people pleaser.

Apa hubungannya? Kalau aku pikir-pikir ya, dua label tersebut jadi cukup bertumbuk di dalam diri. Imagine the scenario. Kenalan, terlihat ramah dan baik, because I want to do so. Kemudian ada hal yang membuatku tidak nyaman di tengah jalan, I want to refuse, I want to say 'no', tapi sebagai people pleaser, I found it hard to say so. Kemudian muncul lah sebuah sikap untuk coping with the situation, jjaaaang~ ✨boundaries✨ aku jadi menjaga jarak, menghindar, dan tidak berinisiatif. I'm screwed. The worst part? The other party would have that uncomfortable feeling. I think many people can relate to this particular feeling, cuma aku tidak tahu diksi yang tepat haha.

Padahal ya, Blour, I don't want them to leave my life, but for many cases, they do #sadme. I just want to be friends, but sometimes I don't want to do things together. Jadi, kesimpulannya adalah khotbahnya juga sudah selesai I need to work on my saying 'no' to things that I don't want to. Followed by an...explanation......(?) 

Because it's okay to say 'no', right? ...it's okay right?

TAPI KADANG TUH AKU TIDAK MAU DAN ITU TANPA ALASAN, sebatas I am not up for it, paham nggak sih, Blouuuurrrrr????! Au ah.

Dah, begitu saja. and no, I don't type this during the preach.

talking my heart out

Hai Blour,

Suasana hatiku hari ini agak campur aduk. I mean I have had these moods for as long as I can remember, mungkin semenjak kuliah, recurring. Being different is good right? At least it's not bad right? Tapi berbeda di sini tidaklah baik menurut mayoritas orang. If I could change it, I would, Blour. Bertahun-tahun aku mencoba untuk mengabaikannya, mencoba untuk mengembalikannya ke sisi "normal" and at what cost? I was stressed out, the heaviest I ever had. So I try to make peace with myself, even now I'm still trying. Cuz I promised myself that I won't take my own life, not now, not ever.

Aku menjalani hidupku, sebaik mungkin. Kuliah, organisasi, lulus, bekerja, it was going quite okay until...exactly today, one year ago, something major happened in my life atau mungkin bisa dibilang muncul ke permukaan.

It changes everything.

How I see others, how I see myself, how I value myself. I have always been careful, Blour, but what are the odds? Apakah tidak cukup yang kurasakan beberapa tahun silam? I still have hopes before. There are times that I want to share this life with and be happy. Meskipun itu tidak di sini.

No, I still want that to be frank, but who wants to have that life with me? With this living chaotic mess. Am I living tho, I'm not sure.

I used to have big dreams too, but I only have one now, an abstract one. I just want to be happy and not be a burden to anyone. Living my old days alone is fine, dying alone is also fine. *scoff* I'm not gonna lie if it ends today, I'd feel better. Make it quick and short. I would have less resentment for myself that way *sigh* but I guess my time has not come, yet.

My plan now is to find acceptance yang paling penting, dari diriku sendiri. Karena meskipun aku mencoba bertahan dan berjalan, aku merasa masih belum sepenuhnya menerima kenyataan. Kuharap dengan begitu, aku bisa menilai diriku dengan lebih baik and eventually be brave enough to picture myself with someone I care about.

10/06/2020 – 10/06/2021 #stayingalive