Hai Blour,
Suasana hatiku hari ini agak campur aduk. I mean I have had these moods for as long as I can remember, mungkin semenjak kuliah, recurring. Being different is good right? At least it's not bad right? Tapi berbeda di sini tidaklah baik menurut mayoritas orang. If I could change it, I would, Blour. Bertahun-tahun aku mencoba untuk mengabaikannya, mencoba untuk mengembalikannya ke sisi "normal" and at what cost? I was stressed out, the heaviest I ever had. So I try to make peace with myself, even now I'm still trying. Cuz I promised myself that I won't take my own life, not now, not ever.
Aku menjalani hidupku, sebaik mungkin. Kuliah, organisasi, lulus, bekerja, it was going quite okay until...exactly today, one year ago, something major happened in my life atau mungkin bisa dibilang muncul ke permukaan.
It changes everything.
How I see others, how I see myself, how I value myself. I have always been careful, Blour, but what are the odds? Apakah tidak cukup yang kurasakan beberapa tahun silam? I still have hopes before. There are times that I want to share this life with and be happy. Meskipun itu tidak di sini.
No, I still want that to be frank, but who wants to have that life with me? With this living chaotic mess. Am I living tho, I'm not sure.
I used to have big dreams too, but I only have one now, an abstract one. I just want to be happy and not be a burden to anyone. Living my old days alone is fine, dying alone is also fine. *scoff* I'm not gonna lie if it ends today, I'd feel better. Make it quick and short. I would have less resentment for myself that way *sigh* but I guess my time has not come, yet.
My plan now is to find acceptance yang paling penting, dari diriku sendiri. Karena meskipun aku mencoba bertahan dan berjalan, aku merasa masih belum sepenuhnya menerima kenyataan. Kuharap dengan begitu, aku bisa menilai diriku dengan lebih baik and eventually be brave enough to picture myself with someone I care about.
10/06/2020 – 10/06/2021 #stayingalive
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